nani mo nai

Rewind, Windchimes No Comments


ICU Bakayama Happyokai 2007

I miss the Bakayama. I miss Japan. I miss me in Japan. I miss me.



Optimism, Rewind No Comments

Had our campus amba [late] new year’s bash at Cangmating, Sibulan. I didn’t receive any gift as they forgot to include me during the lottery  for the ekschinj gept. (Mark, you owe me one. Hehe, peace!) But I got a present for myself—and that’s the realization that I’m happier now.

wala rgud.

I know I know, it’s hard for you to get this thing I’m talking about since I’ve not been regularly updating this little space. That’s because I’ve been through a lot for the past three months, and it’s only recently that I’ve decided to learn—yuppie, I decided to learn and let go of what has been, from the very beginning, not mine. You see, the most obvious indicator that you’ve really let go is when you can laugh the whole thing out, you can laugh at your stupidity, and yeah, even at your false hopes, while recalling the events that took place before, and right after you got hurt. But no one really did hurt me, I decided to be hurt myself. Yup, it was also a decision. And mind you, I took care of the pain before I let it go. Marj, if you’re reading this, your reaction would pro’ly be: “char!”. But thanks for being there, and to all the members of the Sociedad de Takirubz (you were great ‘caregivers’, haha!). After that thing in front of Gillamac’s, I learned a lot. And I also wanna thank my English Ed professor for reminding me, even unintentionally, that life hasn’t ended yet. Thanks for the little yellow post-it-note ma’am; it convinced me that I should spend my saturday night in Cangmating. I really did need some air, some sea breeze.

While in Cangmating I was blessed to have a chance to talk with a fellow campus amba whom I secretly admire for her wisdom. The talk began with the search for the elusive toothpaste, and was ended, if I remember it right, with my reservations for cross-dressers. Turned out the conversation was what I needed to formally tell myself I’m done with everything that happened with the realization that I’m a lot happier now. Again, a decision I needed to make.

But I still want my ‘gept’ . But no worries, I’m not in a hurry. 😀

Ain’t dried up in the sun

Films and Flippings, Optimism, Rewind, the Train collection No Comments

Son I come from five generations of people who’re slaves and share-croppers but there ain’t nobody in my family tha’ never took no pay from nobody that was a way of tellin’ us we wouldn’t fit to walk the earth.

They never been that poor… they never been that dead inside.”

Based on a broadway play of the same title by Lorraine Hansberry, A Raisin in the Sun [2008] tells of a colored family’s life in Chicago. Dealing with racial prejudice and other struggles of the African-American, what makes it stand out from other motion pictures of the same theme is that it goes on to identify itself as a movie that focuses more on the universal human aspiration to acknowledge the individual in all of us—that one, in a search for worth, must first find truth in the innate fact that self-actualization is not solely established in everybody else’s respect but that one must also have a deeper kind of that respect, sometimes even almost pride-like, in one’s self. It focuses more on that, than on the pigmentation of the skin.

Good cast, simple plot, real. And a beautiful message, that’s A Raisin in the Sun.

Watch it here.

Wet cravings

Masquerade, Optimism, Rewind No Comments

They planned it, and it was to be flawless. The three of them acted as if it’s the greatest boatride they’d ever have with me. And I believed every part of it—until we reached that spot of all crystal, dark-blue cold waters, a mirror dancing with a piercing, swirling, intoxicating peace of the bluest spectra. It was deep. And then they jumped out, the two of them, disturbing the already patternless sways and glides of the mirror’s dance. I struggled to keep balance, but the boat seemed to go against my will. The one left behind me, having a foot in the water, another in the now tyrannical boat, pushed me from the back and so silently dived into the un-peace that was the sea. When I was in it too, all hell broke loose.

But that’s how I learned to swim.

After accepting reassurance by the three of them, my three most adorable cousins, that I’m still part of the physical world, and after realizing that indeed I am living (barely, that time), I summoned everything left of the life in me and planned to kill them (as if the summoning didn’t use most of what’s left). But kids as we were, I ended up eating dinner with them and enjoying our popsicles after. All thoughts of spilt blood and broken necks forgotten.

But right now I so crave to swim. It’s a beautiful feeling to finally know that I’ve always loved swimming. I mean, I’ve always known I liked it (well after doing it the first time), but now I feel that it’s bigger, and I’m most drawn to it’s hugeness now more than ever to make me understand that I love it. It expands me somehow, yes, that’s what it does.

There’s this kind of freedom in swimming. When I swim I usually think of nothing. No, it’s not escapism, it’s resting, detaching the wires but knowing that I’ll soon have to attach them again. And in that moment of detachment, I regain optimal* connection with myself, and to my freedom.

originally uploaded by Djúli,

But sometimes I still think of punishing my three cousins, not for making me learn how to swim by trying to kill me, but for making me want to stay in there as long as I can.


*Right now I wouldn’t say full connection—it’s too limiting. And unfair to my growth.

Change’s Child

Rewind No Comments

Miss those early morning lines we make for the flag raising (find your height!). Miss those childish teasings. The backpack. Once we thought pimples were the world’s worst problem (even boys did); and those love letters given or received, along with the promises in them, would make life rosy, forever. Oh high school.

And then we started growing up, and see ourselves in a new light. To stay alive, we discovered we have to be tough. But let’s not lose the child within. For life may not always be rosy, but when it’ll be, it’s still best to experience awe like that of a child.

And so we remember those times…

…and bring them along, as we shape our lives.